So Many Questions…
Where the story starts…
Here’s my journal entry from 9/21 (yes, I journaled something. I didn’t have a computer, and just had to write it down):
What does one do when they are drawn to the down and outers? What does one do when they drive through the ‘ugly’ part of town and your heart is drawn there? When you drive past a limping old man and God says ‘give him a ride’ and you say back ‘have you lost your Holy mind?! He could kill me!’
How do you pursue this and all it entails when you don’t know if your family (read:husband) is in the same mental space with extravagant love outside the comfort box?
What happens when the ‘missionary DNA’ kicks in but you don’t know what it all means?
How do you reconcile the yearning with your current life- What’s ‘safe’; your comfort bubble?
How do you go when your heart is expanding, but you see people questioning you? What if your friends and family think you’re nuts?
And, worse yet, what if you’re misunderstanding God?
What does it all mean?
But yet, I’m so comfortable sitting here at Starbucks sipping my tea and listening to jazz. These are my people. This is my normal. It’s easy. Can’t this be OK for me? Living in my nice house away from all this mess in my nice neighborhood, driving my nice car. That’s comfortable. There’s people there, too!
But, what do I do about the nagging pain? The yearning for the ‘other’ people? The sadness for the broken ones. The broken children.
How do I balance the life I have with the yearning? Where does this take me?
God, you better give me some answers!
Well, truth be told, I’m currently a little (or a lot) afraid of what He might say.
There’s a whole lot I don’t know and a whole bunch more that I don’t even understand. But, I know I told God I’d ‘woman up’ to whatever He wanted.
But that doesn’t mean I’m not scared to near death of what His answer might be.
Just a little step….Just a little step…Just a little step….
(to be continued)
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