The Ugly Word
I’ve been thinking about this lately- This culture of judgement. The word ‘judgement’. We see it all the time. We use it all the time. I got curious and decided to look it up. The first definition that came up on google says: “the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions”. Considered decisions. Sensible conclusions.
Roll with me for a few seconds here. When we make snap decisions about someone’s character based on an outside ‘thing’ we see or something we hear, are we making considered decisions or sensible conclusions?
It hurts my heart when women do this to each other. Could this be one of the many reasons we feel the need for busyness? The need to prove ourselves through how many things we can juggle and how great we look while doing them- What we appear to be to an outside world that doesn’t really care one bit because they’re more worried about proving the same things to you? (Jesus, fix it)
“She shouldn’t dress that way.” “She’s a bad influence.” But, what you don’t know is how much progress she’s made in her walk with God. How she’s grown. How she’s learning something new every day and trying her very hardest to be a great mom and wife. And, let’s be honest here, are you just saying that because you’re being self-conscience about the 15 pounds you’ve put on since having kids and only wish you had the option to wear those clothes? (yes, I went there)
“She really needs to control her kids”. But what you don’t know is that she’s tired and hasn’t slept in days. Her husband is always gone and she’s doing the best she can. What you don’t know is that she picks her battles because there’s just too many to fight. And today, she’s not fighting this one. She’s fighting a different one.
“She’s always talking about losing weight. She needs to just get control of her eating. How hard is it to get outside and walk?” But what you don’t know is that she’s been fighting food addiction and poor self esteem for years. What you don’t know is that the way she deals with her husband cheating on her is through food because she’s too afraid to ask for help. Then everyone will know. She can’t get up in the morning to walk because she’s paralyzed by the thought of leaving him and not having a way to provide for her children. So she sticks around.
These stories could go on and on.
Unless you REALLY get to know someone, there’s no sense in making judgements about them based on what you see on the outside.
We assume that the outward person defines what the inner person is like. Yes, our lives do pour out what our heart is full of (it says so in the Bible, look it up, Prov 4:3, Matt 12:34, Matt 15:11, Mark 7:20, James 3:6), but don’t you know an awesome leader, politician, or minister that later was found to have a dark hidden life? It can go both ways.
I walked around looking like all was peaches and cream when, in fact, I was dying a slow death inside. No one would have known that the person singing on stage was not sleeping well or eating much because of the stress of a business bankruptcy. That one business that was going to change her family’s future. No one would have known about the insecurities and constant battles because I was messed up in so many ways.
Then, I looked up ‘considered’. It says ‘think carefully about (something), typically before making a decision’. Do I consider before I judge? Do I listen to myself saying those things about that person? How would I feel if someone was making judgements about my character without considering first? You know what they say about assuming.
‘Think carefully’. Sure, we are all trained to not say things about others (most of us, anyway). If you go to church, you hear it all the time: don’t gossip, don’t assume, don’t judge. If you don’t go to church, you hear it too. It’s plastered everywhere. But, what about our thoughts? I mean, I may not say she’s a hot mess, but am I thinking it? And are those thoughts influencing how I interact with this person? If I think she’s worse than me in some area am I going to treat her equally? Oh wait, my favorite is when we hide these “I’m better than” ideas with having a relationship with them as a “mission to help them grow”. Grow into what? Me? I’m a hot mess too. The only difference is my mess is of a different flavor than your mess, but it’s still hot. (Now, don’t go sending me hate mail. People need mentors. Mentors that love them and truly care about their growth. Those intentions are completely different and a topic for a different day).
I had to sit and evaluate my own thoughts. How I really perceived people around me. The times I had assumed things about people and even though I never openly said them, I thought those things. I hadn’t ‘thought carefully’ about where my mind was going. I hadn’t ‘considered’ before forming an opinion. I was wrong. I am wrong.
It goes something like this when we drive places. Another driver does something less than smart. Chris has an opinion about their driving skills, mental capabilities, the current state of their salvation, and that maybe they should stand before God right now (He’s a work in progress, y’all. Pray for him). I jump in with all my godly wife wisdom that clearly needs to be shared and say “maybe they were speeding because they have an emergency”, “maybe they cut you off because they weren’t paying attention because they’re stressed about losing their job and haven’t told their family yet” (Seriously, these conversations happen all the time. I have issues. Pray for me too, y’all). Now why on God’s green earth do I not do that when I’m formulating opinions in my mind about other people or what they’ve done or how they live? I annoy myself.
So, I sit here thinking- “What if we all chose to extend grace to others in our thoughts?”, “What if we corrected ourselves when those thoughts creep up?”, “What if we truly lived in the knowledge that we’re all a hot mess and it just manifests itself differently in every person?”
I’m no better than the next person. Sure, in our culture’s eyes I may look better because I appear to have things together. In church eyes I may look shiny on the outside. But God, He sees what’s going on inside. The real mess. And the great thing is, He loves us no matter what. He doesn’t make distinctions between your hot mess and mine. In human eyes we like to categorize the mess. Who’s more of a mess. We like to put it all into nice boxes with pretty labels. We like to color code those labels for the prettier messes and the uglier messes. Maybe I think my mess is pink and yours is dark red. Clearly I’m better because I’m just pink. You’re dark red. You need to strive for pink. But God sees it all as a mess. A mess He can clean up. A mess He’s ready to tackle. You ain’t got nothing on Him. No mess is too big. For reals. You just need to be willing to hand Him the broom.
So, let’s just stop it. Stop the ugly thoughts and give ourselves and others the freedom to be who we’re meant to be. Mess and all. Let’s see people as God sees them. Let’s understand that we are all on a different journey and at different places. God never intended for us to all walk the same exact path or have the same exact purpose. He made us all unique and with a unique purpose. With that come unique struggles. Let’s dump out the boxes and burn the colored labels. God loves this hot mess and I know He loves you, too. End of story.
“Don’t pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults— unless, of course, you want the same treatment. That critical spirit has a way of boomeranging. It’s easy to see a smudge on your neighbor’s face and be oblivious to the ugly sneer on your own. Do you have the nerve to say, ‘Let me wash your face for you,’ when your own face is distorted by contempt? It’s this whole traveling road-show mentality all over again, playing a holier-than-thou part instead of just living your part. Wipe that ugly sneer off your own face, and you might be fit to offer a washcloth to your neighbor.”
Matthew 7:1-5 MSG
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