The Start

• September 12, 2016
• Journey

I got asked the other day, “why blogging all of the sudden?”  I. Have. No. Idea.

Well, I do, sorta.

Grab some coffee (or whatever warm beverage you drink) and find a cozy spot.

Back in the Spring I was tired. We’re talking TIRED. The things I loved doing had worn on me. I started doing some soul searching. I started realizing my life was too crowded. Even though I loved it all, the important stuff was getting tossed to the side- God, family, friends, sleeping. You know, the things that matter most. I started feeling restless. Did I need to move? Did I need a new hobby? Did I need a new church? Maybe a different college degree? Less friends? More friends? I was dissatisfied with all sorts of things. Life felt meaningless. Mundane. Day in day out. Same stuff different day. “Wait, maybe once summer arrives I’ll feel good again?” Maybe that was it. You know, moms get straight up exhausted at the end of the school year. OK. I figured that was it and just dealt with it.

Summer came.

Activities paused.

Same restless feeling.

“I know! I’ll go to nursing school. I’ve always wanted to go to nursing school.”

Did the research, contacted a counselor, sent the transcripts.

Same restless feeling.

“Maybe a new workout routine?”

Changed it up.

Same restless feeling.

“Maybe some new books to read?”

Read the books.

Worse restless feeling.

“Oh wait! Maybe I should talk to God about this” (I’m super smart like that!)

“OK, God. What’s up?”

BAM! He said I needed to write some stuff.

I laughed (out loud!).

“That was dumb. I clearly didn’t hear that correctly.”

Time went on.

Restless feeling.

More ‘you need to share some things’ conversations with God.

At this point I started with the excuses in my mind. First, I am not a writer. I’ve never been trained to write. I don’t even journal. I’m the person who buys the cute journal at the store, comes home full of good intentions and does nothing about it. I have a stack of cute journals that I use for scratch paper. Second, “ARE YOU KIDDING ME, GOD!? I have an image to maintain here! If I start writing stuff down for the world to read, no one is going to be my friend anymore. I’m sure at some point in time I will offend every single person I know. I’m not that person. I’m the people-pleaser who wants to make everyone happy. I don’t rock the boat. I smile and keep my opinions to myself.” And third, what in the world could I possibly write that someone else, who’s actually trained and way more skilled, hasn’t already written somewhere else?

“Seriously, God. You have the wrong person.”

Shut the lid on that one.

Moved on.

Restless feeling.

“Stinkin’ restless feeling! GO AWAY!”

Went to Phoenix for a month. Came back.

Horrible restless feeling.

And then, it was time for the Global Leadership Summit again. The conference for leaders that I attend every year in August (highly recommend, btw!) My friend, Symmie, and I decided to attend one of the breakout sessions on Intentional Living (book by John Maxwell). Honestly, I went because Symmie wanted to go.

Well, this girl (me) who never wins anything, won the Intentional Living book.

I love John Maxwell’s leadership books. His session at the conference was great. So, why wouldn’t this book be great too? I started reading. That was a mistake. BAM! There was God again with the stinkin’ writing bit.

So, I listened…a little.

He told me I needed to get things in my life in order. Stop chasing every rabbit trail and crazy whim. What was my purpose in life? Figure it out (He already knew) and do everything based on that purpose.

Let’s take inventory… I started listing. There was the fitness classes I taught. More and more certifications because I wanted to know it all. There were the 25 different diets I tried just to see how they’d make me feel (and read the books to go with them all). There was the first college degree. There was now the other nursing degree. There was the homeschooling. There was the bodybuilding competition I was training for. There was the ‘need’ for a new home, so I was looking around. And on and on it went. All sorts of rabbit trails with no clear purpose.

Could it be that I was searching for something and wasn’t finding it? Remember, I’m super smart like that. I imagine God with a frying pan having to bust my head so I get it sometimes.

You see, I’m the self sufficient person. I can fix it all. I don’t need help. If I have an issue, I’ll figure it out. I don’t want to burden anyone with my problems. And, for sure, I’m only going to ask God when I have reached the end of all my possible solutions.

So, there I was. Slightly mortified. Having a panic attack. Was God really serious? I imagine myself at the very bottom of an incredibly long list of people that He would ever ask for something like this.

The thought of writing made me nervous- panicked even. I see how people can be the harshest critics. Did I have thick enough skin to handle it? Nope. But God says “My grace is sufficient for you, My power is make perfect in weakness” (2 Cor 12:9 emphasis added)

I sat on it. I didn’t want to tell anyone. Who am I to write?

It was everywhere then. It seemed to be plastered on every book I read, every sermon I heard (thanks Pr. Jeff), even the songs on the radio. It made me squirmy.

I was afraid.

Funny thing is that I grew up as a missionary kid. If anyone has super faith, it’s missionaries. Maybe it skips a generation.

Finally one day, I said OK.

And then I sat on it…again (procrastination at it’s finest)

One Saturday morning came without a day full of scheduled activities (yay!). Everyone slept in. Except me (I don’t sleep in). It was quiet and God laid on my heart to try my wings. So, I sat down and starred at my computer. Now what?

All the sudden, I just started typing. And more typing. Soon, there were almost 3000 words. What?! Where did that come from? I saved it and went about my day.

A week went by. I was reading a book by TD Jakes called ‘Destiny: Step Into Your Purpose’. He spoke about taking steps toward your God given purpose. So, I went online and looked at what it took to start a blog. Here the type A, perfectionist part of me took over and I got frustrated because starting a blog the way “I” wanted to was WAY too hard. I needed a 17 year old to just do it all because I didn’t have the patience.

Another week went by, another Saturday without activities. “OK, let’s try to figure this out”.

A WHOLE DAY into it and I had a little something.

Now, what to write?

God said to go back and post what I had written before. “What?! No way! Can’t I just type something funny about what a kid did and go from there? Baby steps, here!” But no, of course not. It was trial by fire. God was like the parent who throws a kid in the lake so they learn how to swim because otherwise they’ll just drown.

I was going to have to admit to my issues right from day one.

I pasted it in the screen and sat there staring at it. The big blue “PUBLISH” button just glaring at me. I panicked. I started sweating. My hands started shaking.

I had to hit the prayer closet.

Came back.

Hit ‘publish’ and said a prayer that I’d be faithful to whatever He wanted. That I’d be strong enough to deal with whatever came from it. And that I’d never take it for granted.

Why do I share this story with you? Because you may be sitting on the fence, fighting God about something He’s placed on your heart. You doubt. You’re afraid. Just take one little step in the direction He’s leading. Take one little step and see what happens. Take one little step toward your purpose. One step. That one small step could lead to another, and another, and another little step… Before you know it, you’re walking in His purpose. Maybe even running in it. Will it always (or ever) be easy? Nope. But I pray that you, too, will find the peace and strength from knowing you are right where God wants you to be at this time in your very short journey here.

When I was going through my restless times and starting to listen a tiny bit to God, I read this in the book ‘Restless’ by Jennie Allen- “I don’t know if you are sitting in a bed about to nod off or if you are on an airplane or beach or in a coffee shop or surrounded by little toddlers pulling on you. All journeys have a cost. The path to our purpose here is rarely built comfortably. So are you restless enough to go there? Are you hungry enough for more to do the work?”

My prayer for us is that we will find our purposes and live in them. That we will open our ears to hear God. That we will have the strength to follow what He places on our hearts. And that we will have the faith to see it through. Now, hit the prayer closet! 

“Women must discover their calling precisely because the health of their families, relationships, and communities is so vital. When we become who we’re meant to be, everyone around us benefits. When we live out the stories God wants to tell through us, we bring healing to all who struggle alongside us.” Rebekah Lyons

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.” 2 Cor. 1:3-4

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