Watch for the Winks
I think we all like to joke about how God has a sense of humor, but I wasn’t doing a whole lot of laughing in 2017. I was reminded the other day (thank you, TimeHop) about some of the things I had written in 2016. I said I’d go wherever- whatever it looked like- It is well with me soul. And I truly felt that way. I just didn’t know what that was going to mean. It was going to mean leaving a job, selling a house, leaving our dearest of friends, leaving family, leaving our support system, leaving our church, and it would mean being so mad at God about these changes that I actually looked up one day and said “Seriously, do you even care?”
There were some dark days.
There was lots of squirming on my part much like the squirming we do when we are highly uncomfortable.
Yea, I’m still squirming.
I learned that I am fabulous at making everything look great. I can hide it like the best of ‘em (maybe you’re the same). I can march my behind into church, sit in the second row (because I’m not quite holy enough for first row), smile away, while being mad as a hornet at God. I didn’t even want to sing anymore- and I love singing. I was always crying.
You see, I was happy. My kids had the best of friends they had grown up with. I had the best of sisters. We had a church family that had embraced us. I had mentors at my finger tips. I had all manner of godly women right there. I had the ministries I loved. I had a place. And, even knowing there in the back crevice of my heart that something was on the horizon, well, God wouldn’t mess stuff up that much, would He?
Well, He did.
At least in my mind.
Truth be told, I came to Colorado kicking and screaming. And plenty of times I questioned it. Chris was long gone (he left a few months before we did) and I would question the decision at every little hurdle.
We needed a HUGE amount of money to move and his new company hadn’t originally allocated that much.
We COULDN’T find a house (we didn’t know about the real estate craze). We had no idea where to live. We were picking places off a map within a 60 mile radius of Chris’ office in any direction and nothing. We were both getting frustrated because every house was gone almost as fast as it was listed.
Kids were mad to move because they didn’t want to leave their friends.
I was worried because we were going somewhere we knew NO ONE. My huge support system was about to disappear all together. And when you have a husband with a crazy work schedule, that support system is a big deal.
As crazy as it sounds, I was even worried to leave my kids’ doctors- the ones who saved their lives and took care of them through the years. How would I ever find ones that were good enough?
I cried for months before it happened. My kids cried. My poor husband had to deal with all the ugly while being hundreds of miles away. Poor guy, he was already away from his family and then we are all being ugly.
Every Sunday someone would come hug my neck, pray for me, bless me. All the while I was so incredibly broken. I was so mad.
And although I could write pages upon pages about those dark days, this is really about how God will listen to you when you really tell Him you’ll go wherever He wants and do whatever He wants (be careful what you say!) This is about how He sometimes has to take EVERYTHING away from us in order to place us where He wants us. Sometimes we can only listen and learn when there’s no other noise. When it’s all gone.
You see, it went like this-
We had ALL the money we needed to move when the time came.
We finally found a house, and, not just any house. God gave us a house in a culdesac full of kids that are the same age as mine, next to the nicest Colorado people we could have asked for, a street away from a homeschool mama from Texas and her kids (who also are the same age as mine). That Texas mama has a husband who works in the same field as mine. And they have embraced us as family.
I found a church who has a heart for all the things that make my heart beat.
You know when someone knows something good is going to happen, but can’t quite tell you yet so they just smile and wink at you when you keep asking like a six year old before Christmas? That’s how I see God lately. He just winks and smiles.
It’s like a little reminder that He was listening and that He did care. He has a plan and even though I had to go through the mud, it was for a reason. It’s like the little surprise He just can’t share yet.
I don’t know where this road leads, but I know that God is constantly showing that it’s going to be OK.
I still catch myself squirming sometimes. I miss Texas. I miss a house full of people at all hours. I miss my friends who became family. I miss my kids running through the church buildings like they owned the place. I miss my family in Texas. I miss the women who were mamas to my kids. I miss the women who were my spiritual mamas. I catch myself wanting to rewind the clock. I’d spend more time doing what I loved with the people I loved there. But, isn’t that how life goes anyway?
For now, I hang on to those winks from God. When I start squirming, I look out the window and see the kids playing with all those other little ones. When I start squirming, I hear God saying that He wants me at this church where I am for this time. When I start squirming, I see a little boy and girl come through the front door and am reminded that we live next to a fabulous couple with kids the same age as mine, who don’t know it, but I think they have Southern in their blood. In the early days, they were probably the only reason I didn’t pack up the zoo and kids, hop in the giant gas guzzler, and head south as fast as I could peddle. I think God knew that before I found a church, before I found any other friends, when I was going at it alone while Chris was working, I’d need a little ray of hope. Wink. When I start squirming, that sweet Texas mama says “let’s meet at McDonalds and let the kids play”. Wink. When I start squirming about mentors, I get a random message from a godly woman who says “wanna meet for coffee? I’d love to get to know you”. Wink. When I start squirming about my support system, I look outside and my driveway has been shoveled. Wink.
So, can I just encourage us? If you’re going through a rough time and you just can’t see how this thing pans out, look for the winks. Look for the little signs that God’s got this and He sees you (us).
When my kids lay lifeless in hospital beds for days, weeks,…winks
When Chris’ job was uncertain for almost two years, …winks
I can look back through the years and see wink after wink after wink when God was up to something.
Look for the winks. All of the sudden, you’ll see them everywhere. If you can’t see them, ask for the eyes to see them.
And, when you see them, just look up and smile (even if through tears). Know that God sees you (and me) and He knows exactly what He’s doing. He knows we don’t like it, but He’s got it- and he’s letting us see that He’s got it. His timing is perfect, His ways are perfect, His plan is perfect. Sometimes we can’t see it all laid out until later, but right now we can look for the winks. We can pray that we see those winks to help us persevere through the uncomfortable times. Maybe we’ll stop squirming as much.
When I looked up and said “do you even exist?” “are you even there?” “do you even care?” He winked. He probably also rolled His eyes because I was being a spoiled rotten brat, but He winked. I honestly think during that time I missed some of those winks because I was being ugly.
Hard times, dark times- we all have to go through them. I think sometimes those with the strongest faith are the ones who have had to endure the darkest times.
Look for the winks.
After writing this I came across something Priscilla Shirer wrote in her Discerning the Voice of God study (*comments are mine):
“Hearing Him starts with our commitment to humble obedience (I wasn’t being so humble). We won’t do it perfectly- we can’t always obey flawlessly- but we must do it purposefully, with ears primed to hear and discern God’s voice. One of the surest ways to keep from hearing Him is to adopt a stance of pride and staunch rebellion, in opposition to what His Word and His spirit are saying to us (Guilty. Party of one.)
We’re not likely to hear anything from God until we’ve abandoned our tug of war with Him, between our wills and His (TRUTH!). We may struggle to detect one syllable of divine dialogue, much less receive and clarity in discerning what He means, until we’ve first opened the floodgates of surrender so He can start piping the volume through.”
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